· Stages or Phases of the Cycle of Abuse
As we have mentioned before, there’s an initial phase where tensions start building up through a given period of time. This time frame varies and might be a matter of days or hours, or even larger or shorter periods of time.
Next, a specific incident of abuse occurs, and the victim is abused.
Last, once the negative energy that comes from anger or frustration has been released, apologies or excuses follow and, sometimes, the abuse will attempt even to justify his or her actions and later on, the incident of emotional abuse is “forgotten”.
Here is a very simple example:
A middle-class woman, who financially depends on her husband, has a very common addiction. She spends all day on the phone talking with her friends.
Since she doesn’t have a career or children to take care of, and since her husband works out of the home all day long, se is bored and the only thing she does every day is pay "phone visits" to her friends, to talk about unimportant things.
Every end of month, when the phone bill arrives, her husband gets really angry at her because of the amount he has to pay. Depending on the degree of reaction and the current situation at that time, a significant argument can take place, where the husband can blame his wife for the excessive expense or verbally abuse her, and he can even get to abuse her physically.
Also, the wife may react in different ways. She can argue even more harshly, advocating for her right to speak on the phone or justifying the expense. Or she may feel guilty and accept the aggression and being humiliated, trying to placate the abuser.
· Levels or degrees of reaction
All of us have different levels of reaction. And even the same person may react with a different intensity before similar incidents or scenarios.
For example: if a mother sees her toddler about to stick his fingers in a wall outlet, the most common reaction is to shout at him NO!
Other mothers may not only yell NO, but also, they may hit the toddler’s hand. Also, some mothers, apart from yelling or hitting, may lecture the toddler making him feel awkward or silly.
But there’s also mothers who hold their breath, rush to their child, take him away from danger and explain to him that if his puts his fingers in a wall outlet he will hurt himself badly, and they emphasize how important it is not to do so.
None of these mothers, regardless of how they react, intend to emotionally abuse their child on purpose. They simply don’t want their child to get hurt.
But, there are ways and ways to set boundaires and say “NO”.
There are constructive ways and destructive ways, or to say it differently, positive and negative ways. Emotional abuse falls within the destructive or negative ways to set limits or say “NO”.
The levels or degrees of reaction vary, from minimizing an incident to overreact or react in an exaggerated way. And these different levels of reaction also depend on the situation the person is facing at the time.
For example, if a student is failing his college courses and fails in another exam he might insult the faculty or feel his professor is mocking him. Also, he may channel his frustration at home, mistreating his parents or siblings, or within his social circle, verbally abusing his friends or his girlfriend. It’s like “someboday has to pay for the negative experiencies he is going through.”
In the case of the man whose wife was addicted to "phone visits" with her friends, when the alarm clock goes off, he may smash it against the wall instead of turning it off, or maybe he will push his wife out of bed and “demand” his breakfast served fast.
When a person feels frustrated, they usually feel anger and need to vent or channel this negative energy, somehow.
And again, when a person feels frustrated, they may not feel anger but fall in a deep state of depression o apathy.
For example, the wife who spent all day long on the phone, may feel humiliated by the verbal aggresion of her husband and get depressed. She may feel apathetic and with no energy or willpower to take care of the house chores or to take care of her personal appearance, look for a job, study, or do anything to keep herself busy.
Sometimes, some victims of abuse feel so depressed that they abuse themselves other people, like their children, for instance. They may not pay attention to them, or not take care of them, letting them “do whatever they want” because they don't feel capable enough to set limits or play her role as a mother.
This, in the first example (of all), the employee who is being humiliated by his boss at work, may feel he is unable to set boundaries at home as well. He may think of himself as “weak”. Or he may feel very frustrated professionally or feel he has no worth as a human being. And when he gets home, he may make his family pay for his frustration, either verbally abusing them or ignoring them.
To ignore someone or a person's needs is also a form of emotional abuse. Maybe it’s a more painful way of hurting others. This is why, sometimes, some people would rather put up with emotional abuse (verbal, physical, etc.) rather than be ignored. They prefer to get pity strokes or crumbs of affection before getting “indifference”, hence they allow emotional abuse to occur. They don’t know other healthier ways to interact with others.
