What are they saying?
With this question, we want to focus on the subliminal messages that are usually hidden behind the apparent words.
For example: if a man goes to a car dealer to buy a new car and is looking for an affordable one, the salesperson may show him a more expensive vehicle and say, “This is the best car in the market these days, BUT, I’m afraid it might be too expensive for you... ALTOUGH the price could be negotiable...". Here, the salesperson is clearly aiming at the desires and the ambition of being able to reach the best that we all feel inside.
It is clear that the salesperson does not want to sale the client the kind of car the client wants to buy. He may even keep undermining the client’s self-esteem al using tricky statements such as, “you deserve to have a car that’s up to your personal level and lifestyle”.
In fact, the salesperson is subtly abusing the potential buyer so he can sell the car HE wants to sell, instead of the one the buyer wants to buy, or can afford to buy.
If the buyer is a self-confident man, he will buy the car HE wants and at the price HE is willing to pay, without feeling “he’s worth less" for not being able to afford the vehicle the buyer wants to sell to him.
If the buyer has a victim profile, he will incur in debts in order to buy the car. Maybe he’ll apply for a loan or incur in debts that he will find hard to repay later. Maybe he will even deprive himself or his family from other things (vacations, etc.) so as to get “a car that’s up to his level.”
This is why we say that each person has their own level of comfort or tolerance, where they feel comfortable with a situation or uncomfortable with it. And here is where part of the difference between people has its roots. Some people are in charge or in control of their own life, being able to accept other people’s suggestions, but making their own decisions based on what’s more convenient for them, while others are unable to do so.
How are they saying it?
When we speak, whether consciously or unconsciously, we accompany our words with tone inflections or gestures (body language) or certain attitude. Some of these are more subtle than others, which are more evident.
Sometimes, we don’t even need to SAY something. An idea can be "acted out", just like actors do. Even silence “speaks” for itself.
Additionally, we may check whether there is certain degree of consistency between what it is sad and any body sign that accompanies the discourse. There’s plenty of interesting information and materials on Body Language, available in different formats (on-line, printed) and some are free and some are available at a small fee.
Example: If a mother “shouts” at her child telling him (at the top of her voice) “Would you stop shouting (or speaking in a loud voice)”, the inconsistency is very clear. We cannot ask someone to speak in a low voice by shouting at them.
If a man looks at the way his wife has dressed and says "hmmm... yes, it doesn't look bad..." but he pulls a face or shows disapproval, it is not even necessary for him to tell his wife if she looks okay in that dress or not, he clearly doesn’t like it regardless of what he says. Now, this does not necessarily mean that the woman doesn’t look well in that dress. It just reflects the man’s opinion (a valid opinion or not).
Sometimes, people ask others for their opinion because they seek approval. We will never be absolutely sure or convinced of something, so we can also ask someone else’s opinion, just to know their point of view, instead of seek their approval.
Generally, people with a victim’s profile, tend to seek external approval most of the time, or they may lie or hide their thoughts and feelings so as not to be rejected.
Also, the abuser may always give his/her opinion (usually a negative remark), regardless of whether it’s been asked for or not.
Some abusers have an “invasive” attitude and take things that belong to other people or take someone else’s place o checks the belongings of others without permission.
Why are they saying it? or What are they saying it for?
Typically, there’s an intention or a purpose behind the words or the actions (a hidden agenda.) Other times, people can give their point of view uninterestedly or objectively.
But in the case of emotional abuse, the “discourse or speech” usually acts as a distracting element to deceive the victim, so that the victim is unable to see the real purpose of the interactions.
Sometimes, the abuser may adopt a victim’s role to make the real victim feel guilty of the abuse. The verbal message may be “you don’t understand me” or “you don’t love me (enough)”, but the real message is “I will blame it all on you and you will have to obey me or you will regret it.”
When parents or partners are overprotective and constantly address the victim as "poor little thing”… they are not exactly keeping the victim's best interest at heart. On the contrary, they are underestimating the victim and degrading or hurting the victim’s self-esteem. Also, they are teaching the victim that in order to receive attention or affection he/she needs to act as a "poor little thing" or he/she needs to be unable to do things by himself/herself.
