Prevention and Possible Solutions ·        Emotional Abuse Can Be Avoided, Prevented, Stopped and/or Solved   The problem of emotional abuse it’s not a problem that cannot be solved. Also, it doesn’t take to be an expert in the subject to solve it or stop it.  Of course, a good therapy (individual, group, for couples, or for families) will always help more than to try to solve it by ourselves. But, even when we are receiving therapy, it’s US –ultimately- who decide to stop the abuse or not allow it, and see sound ways to solve it.   When we are part of the problem, it’s more difficult to see things from “the outside”. There are many emotional aspects at stake. The victim of abuse (or the abuser, too) may no wish to go on with this type of unhealthy mistreatment, but they may just don’t know what to do to stop it.   All of us have different life experiences. We have different viewpoints - not only about relationships but also about the way we see other people and ourselves.  Some people simply feel they are capable, while this is not true.  Sometimes, it’s all just about some “labels” we have internalized since our childhood.   If during our childhood we were repeatedly told we were a “bad kid” or a “good for nothing”, it is possible that we will grow up believe that and, later on in life, seek to interact with people who will reinforce that idea.  But this does not necessarily mean we are bad or useless.   In order to prevent or solve the problem of emotional abuse, it is critical to become aware of the fact that ALL of us have the same right to be respected and accepted for we are. Please note that we are always referring to ordinary people and scenarios. It is not the same, for instance, in the case of a murderer or a rapist. Even though their human rights must be respected, these kinds of people need to be restricted or confined in order to protect the safety of others, and when possible, they should get therapy and social rehab treatment to help them solve their problems so that they can’t hurt anybody else.   The line between what’s considered a crime or “insanity” and what is considered a psychological “problem” it’s not too clear.   There are too many facts we need to consider when we try to solve the problem of abuse. Among them, we can find the level of intellectual capacity of a person, this is to say, if this persona can rationally understand or not what he or she is doing (be it the victim or the abuser).   Sometimes, when a person is unable to see or understand, or chooses (for some reason) not to see or understand an abusive relationship or a particular incident of abuse, we feel that talking to them it's like "talking to the wall", and the chances of finding a solution of mutual agreement are minimal.  In such cases, it’s important to reflect on the possibility of "leaving that place” (place = role).  What we are trying to say here, it's that sometimes, it’s important to realize when it’s time to cut our losses within a relationship, be it a romantic relationship, a work or business relationship or any other kind of unhealthy relationship.    “People only change if they decide to do so”   It is only when we become aware that we do not “have to” tolerate emotional abuse, and we can really choose from other options to interact with others in a healthier way, that we can start seeing the problem from the outside and stop it, prevent it in the future and/or solve it.   Something we should never forget about is the fact that no one should make decisions for us and we should not make decisions for others.  We cannot blame others for not understanding our point of view.  We should rather ask ourselves whether we are delivering a clear message or if we are trying to start a conversation with someone who, maybe, lacks the necessary level of development or the intellect to understand what we are trying to explain.   Each person is unique and has had different life experiences. Some may be similar to those of other people, but ultimately, they are the pillars of our opinions and the way we see and interpret things.  Each person has their own particular standpoint, a personal perspective, and this does not mean that one perspective is good or bad, or better or worse than that of another person. Sometimes, they are just different perspectives, different ways to approach life, or different opinions on a given subject.   And every person has the right and the freedom to choose among those options he or she deems more adequate. We cannot force a person to accept our views or ideas to solve a problem, and we cannot impose on them our way of thinking (just because we believe it’s the right one or that we are right, even if this were the case). As we have mentioned above, the good news is that just like any other problem or “disorder”, emotional abuse has a solution or can be “solved”, it can be prevented or avoided, and/or it can be stopped.   Once again we want to highlight that both the abuser and the victim will stop playing their roles if they can fully understand that abusive relationships are unhealthy and if they decided that they don’t want to play their roles any more.   One person must not make a decision for another person, because it is not "healthy" to do so. Both the abuser and the victim have the option to choose to continue with an unhealthy way to interact with others or to look for alternative and more adequate ways to carry on their relationship.   Sometimes, both parties come to understand how emotional abusive relationships work. Hence, they agree to stop playing their roles and commit to change. Other times, one of the parties understands this and the other doesn’t. Maybe this happens because this party does not wish to “see” or understand or simply does not agree with the information available on emotional abuse, or maybe because he/she cannot really understand it at all.   Decisions are personal. Usually, the victim tends to make the abuser understand his/her point of view and believe the root of the problem is that the abuser does not understand or does not accept what the victim is trying to explain.  But the victim needs to be aware that he/she cannot "convince the stones".  If he/she tries to force another person to accept his/her point of view, is making the wrong move.   Sometimes, victims of abuse do not wish to lose the abuser. They want the abuser to “change” and keep being part of their lives. The victim needs to understand that the abuser will only “change" if he/she decides to do so, and not just because the victim needs him/her to change.   We are all free to choose (provided we live in a place where our right to choose is not suppressed or restricted.) We can choose to stand for our rights and be treated with the respect we deserved or we can choose to be content with an unhealthy relationship and agree to pay the price of being mistreated in order not to lose the abuser.   When we are part of the problem, it’s hard to have enough objectivity to find a solution. This is why therapies can help a great deal. Also, ideally solutions should be found jointly. Finding a solution to a problem that involves two participants does not mean only one of them is responsible of finding such solution. Hence, since emotional abuse occurs between two people, basically, both participants are equally responsible of finding a solution jointly. This is why we say it’s wrong for one person to try to change or save another.   Sometimes, it is not possible to find a solution. Thus, it’s important to “stop participating” in an emotionally abusive relationship. This means we need to stop playing or let go of the victim's role or the abuser’s role and start working on our personal issues in order to find better ways to interact with and relate to others. Ultimately, this will help prevent future situations of emotional abuse.   Emotional abuse can also be prevented or stopped by using the “Ideas” we mentioned before, which will let us learn to read between the lines and spot beforehand when we meet a person with the typical profile of an abuser or a victim.   At any time, we can all turn our backs on abuse.  We can stop it by setting boundaries and standing for our right to be respected as human beings.  However, we need to remember that our rights end where other people’s rights start.   In sum, in order to prevent and/or stop emotional abuse we need to bear in mind the following:   §         Become aware. Awareness is the very first step. §         Avoid self-deception. §         Inform ourselves properly on emotional abuse. §         Stop participating in abusive relationships. §         Use community resources. §         Seek help, share your case with others who can help with solutions or provide their points of view and seek professional case whenever needed.   ·        To Keep In Mind   ·        In order to avoid abusing others it’s important to develop a sound perception and a healthy understanding of the feelings and emotions of other people.   ·        Also, it is crucial to be empathetic and keep an open mind about other people’s values.   ·        Abuse can be stopped and solved, and we can also help abusers and victims of abuse to find healthier ways to interact.   Dr. Joseph Carver has written numerous articles on abusive relationships. One of them, "The Loser - Warning Sites You Are Dating a Loser" provides useful tips to get rid of an abuser and end an abusive relationship. Click on the link below to read the full article: http://abusoemocional.ning.com/group/drcarverandcounsellingresources/forum/topics/the-loser-warning-signs-youre And "Emotional Memory Management" http://abusoemocional.ning.com/group/drcarverandcounsellingresources/forum/topics/emotional-memory-management  Also, you may want to read Linda Lord's "Ending Relationships" article on Emotional Healing at: http://abusoemocional.ning.com/group/healingemotionalwounds