Signs and Symptoms   ·        Signs and Symptoms of Emotional Abuse   When we interact with other people, it’s important to learn to pay close attention to these people’s attitude and response, beyond their obvious words.   When we learn to read between the lines, we realize that there are some red flags or alerts, or what we call signs and symptoms that will allow us recognize an abuser or a potentially abusive relationship.   Some symptoms are more evident than others, and some are more subtle.   Let’s start by analyzing a simple example: An excessively ambitious person, who is also unscrupulous, selfish, and inconsiderate with others, usually tends to belittle his/her peers, and will often project that attitude towards most aspects of his/her life (at work, in love, in his/her social life, etc.)  The ability to abuse someone emotionally is conveyed through verbal and non verbal messages that can be obvious or subtle.   It is also important to consider how we feel in front of certain people. Do we feel comfortable with them or do we feel uncomfortable in their presence?   Or, do we feel we have to be careful regarding what we do and say so as not to upset this person?   Can we just be ourselves o do we have to someone different so as to be accepted by this person? These may be some of the symptoms of emotional abuse or a potentially abusive relationship:   §         We feel we can't discuss with our partner what is bothering us. §         We fear what might be our partner’s reaction if we decide to stand for our rights. §         We feel we need our partner’s permission or approval to make a decision to do what we wish to do. §         Our partner frequently criticizes us, humiliates us, mocks us, or constantly passes judgment on everyone. §         Our partner ridicules us when we express what we need or how we feel. §         Our partner isolates us from other people, invades our privacy, tends to exert a disproportionate control over us or is extremely jealous or possessive. §         Our partner limits our access to money, hinders our career, or restricts our professional or vocational freedom, or even incurs in debts that we will have to end up paying for. §         Our partner constantly interferes in our interactions with other people telling us what we have to do or say (how we have to raise our children, how we have to talk to our boss, with what friends we should meet, etc.) §         We feel “trapped” in this relationship. §         We feel we are not recognized, accepted, nor respected. §         We feel obligated to do things we do not wish to do. §         We fear we might not find someone better. §         The other person makes us feel we owe him/her something. §         We believe the other person will not be able to live without us or that we will not be able to live without him/her.     These are some signs of emotional dependency that are telling us we are living in under a situation or in a relationship where emotional abuse is present.   Another important indicator to note is the well-known "hypothetical conditional" or "would"   We someone speaks constantly using the conditional verb tense: If I had… I would…  If you wouldn’t... I could...  we are in presence of someone who uses mind games to distract us from what’s going on in real life or what he or she is really doing: this person is manipulating us.   And manipulation is a distinctive characteristic of emotional abusers.   Thus, as we have mentioned before, it’s very important to be realistic. Are these “promises” kept?  Or, Will those “wishes in a loud voice" that the other person expresses come true?  Is it simply a wise move to deceive us and distract us from reality?   And the same applies to the recurring: “Yes, but…” - “Yes, but” means NO.   For example, someone says “Yes, we could do what you like, but…”  Which is to say, “NO, we won’t do what you’d like to. We will do what I want.”   Below we have quoted some typical phrases compiled from different sources. If you argue with him, he says you're stubborn. If you're quiet, he argues with you anyway. If you call him, he says you're needy and clingy. If he calls you, he thinks you should be grateful. If you don't act like you love him, he'll try to win you over. If you tell him you love him, he takes advantage of you. If you dress sexy, he says you're a slut. If you don't dress nice, he says you look bad. When you don't sleep with him, he says you don't love him. If you do sleep with him, he only does it the way he likes it. If you tell him your problems, he says you're bothering him, If you don't, he says you don't trust him. If you try to bring up a problem, he says you're bitching. If he brings up a problem, he yells. If you break a promise, you "can't be trusted". If he breaks it, it's because "he had to". If you cheat, he wants to punish you by locking you up or beating you. If he cheats, he expects to be given another chance. In sum, all these quotes reflect the egotism and self-centeredness of the abuser, which are due – ultimately- to his/her own lack of emotional maturity and confidence.   A self-confident person, who has a sound and healthy level of self-esteem, does not need to degrade, humiliate, nor control others. He/she will seek to interact with other people who are also "emotionally okay" and who do not need to be degraded or humiliated.   Sometimes, when the abuser becomes aware of this key information on what involves emotional abuse, may come to understand that he/she is interacting with other people in an unhealthy way, and he/she can choose to change, but changing is a personal decision.   Likewise, victims of abuse may also decide to change and look for a solution to the problem, or they may choose to go on being part of an abusive relationship.   Let’s not forget that if we consider emotional abuse as a mental or psychological “illness” (so to speak), both the abuser and the victim are people who are “emotionally sick" (this is to say, they are not emotionally healthy people) and, therefore, they need help to understand how they can find ways to relate to other in a much healthier manner.   Once again, let’s keep in mind that even if sometimes it’s necessary to break up an unhealthy relationship, such break-up by itself does not “cure” the victim or the abuser.  It is only when we finally understand our own patterns of behavior and we become aware of the way we relate to others, or the way we solve or deep rooted problems, that we have a chance to stop establishing abusive relationships with different partners.   “We Change from Our Inside”